Sometimes a story comes to mind that deserves retelling – well, oftentimes in my case.  This one brought the house down last night – by house, I mean Shelly, Leighton and me.  Hey – as long as I have more than just me laughing at it, there is some validity to it, okay?

In 2013, the boys and I took a trip to Gulf Shores, AL – their first trip to a “real” beach.  We drove from Dallas, spent the night in NOLA, went to a pre-season Saints game, then made it to our condo the next day.  Let’s start with this…. driving 10+ hours (whether split up or not) with two boys who spend the majority of the time arguing or beating the crap out of each other, is no cake walk.  Takes a couple of days for the shoulders to come down from around ones earlobes and begin to absorb any of the serenity that the beach has to offer.

I had a pretty sweet spot with a pair of beach loungers and an umbrella rented for the week, right in front of our condos.  Kristin was more or less stuck at the pool b/c her littlest was not having the beach.  Personally, I didn’t give my kids an option – heck, I can swim at a pool any day… the beach was my place-to-be, and instead of me keeping an eye on them – they were tasked with knowing where I was and reporting in.  You might call it irresponsible – I, on the other hand, call it 70’s parenting.  I’m am living proof that it works.  They’re like little birds….

Low and behold – not only was Pier 51 (beach-y convenience store) walking distance – they had 18 packs of Bud Light in cans (not a fan, but a beach requirement) with the New Orleans Saints logo on them.  A match made in heaven.  I parked myself in my beach chair with my cooler of Bud and drank the day away – just one of those “all day steady buzz” kind of days.  It was a good day.

That night after dinner – Leighton and I went down to chase sand crabs.  This was a favorite past-time from my own childhood I remember well and I was excited to introduce it to my over zealous 7 year old.  Steady buzz still in tact – we trotted up and down the coastline flash lighting and catching baby sand crabs left and right when – low and behold, the MOTHER of all the beach crabs I had ever seen went flying across our light and was gone!  I found him again!  Leighton chased him down and lifted the bucket cautiously when I got there.  The little (or big, rather) bastard took off like a light!  It was scary AND exciting and we were NOT going to let him get away!  I gave Leighton the light and I grabbed the bucket – we saw him again and he was moving FAST!  Finally, another 15 yards or so – with a move that could only be rivaled by the NFL’s finest – I tackled that crab with the bucket and I was not letting go.   Right then, some teenager appeared out of nowhere and when I began to lift my bucket – he tried to move in and take the crab!  Seriously?  Not on my watch, junior!  In the best, buzzed, classy mom voice I recall saying “get your hands of my kids’ G.D. crab or I’ll beat your ass!”  (very classy, indeed)

There was lots of commotion at this point – Leighton was screaming, I was yelling, the kid was saying something but I couldn’t hear him over the sound of my own voice. All I knew at this point was that m*$%@# f&$*@#% crab was mine (not Leighton’s mind you… mine)!  Somewhere in there I heard a voice say “it’s not real!”.  I guess it was the teen.  I was buzzed, confused, pissed, adrenalized… you name it…. I’m thinking “this little turd is trying to get an angle on me and steal my crab!”.   No the case, my friends.  Not the case.  This kid didn’t want MY crab.  He wanted HIS crab.  The plastic crab that was tied to some monofilament line and strategically placed via fishing rod – on the beach by Beavis and his Butthead Battalion.  Apparently, they had been fishing – or crabbing, for idiots all night.  They caught one alright.  A 43 year old mom, covered in sand, pulling ninja moves all for the sake of the win – or loss in this case.

Moral of the story:  It’s still not a good idea to go catching crabs, whether intentional or not.  Oh – and don’t threaten to beat up a teenager on the beach b/c your kids will NEVER let you forget it.  I blame Anheuser-Busch.