Lying…. Nothing gets under my skin worse than that. It’s an awful feeling – especially when it comes from someone you care about.   I’m divorced because of lying. I was forced into bankruptcy in 2012 because of someone else’s lying. I’m single (yet again) due to lying. It hurts. It is betrayal in its most evil form.

All of us lie. If one of you dare say to me you have never lied – guess what? You’re a liar. It’s as simple as that. Above, I have described and experienced some extremely hurtful lies – lies that took me to my knees and drove me to what I can only consider the brink of my own sanity. Those lies and their repercussions had a lot to do with the increase in my alcohol intake, the control it had over me, and subsequently, my desire to kick that habit and embrace sobriety. That’s another story for another day though.

Anyone who knows me well – which I am discovering are fewer in numbers than previously thought, knows that if you want to light my bitch wick – lying is a sure-fire (pun intended) way to set it off. Just ask my ex-husband or my kids.

But what about “little lies”… “withholding information”…. “untruths”? Y’all know of what I speak – let’s take Santa Claus as a prime example. I don’t know about any of you, but I was literally CRUSHED when I was told Santa wasn’t real. Cried my head off – how could the jolly man in the red suit NOT be real? How could my parents LIE to me like that? Well, in case I haven’t introduced myself yet – my name is Ashley, aka Santa Claus. I too, did what countless of others have done to provide joy and hope for my own children. No, they weren’t as crushed as I was – but they also didn’t have a shitbag childhood like mine either – so maybe the stability they know so well made that transition a bit easier on them.

What about that friend of yours? You know… the one that is cheating or being cheated on. Man, that is the epitome of a sack of suck, isn’t it? Talk about a rock and a hard place. The majority of us has ZERO desire to get involved in someone else’s shit-show. Maybe it’s because we don’t want to be the one to hurt the other person. Maybe, because we know that the perpetrator will make US out to be the evil one who is trying to destroy a marriage, resulting in a loss of friendship. Or, maybe the perpetrator is the one who is our friend – but we play devil’s advocate and try desperately to be there as best we can.

Not all lies are made to destroy people. In fact, as outlined above –many are told/displayed as a way of protecting the ones we love from being hurt by either the truth itself – or by their perception of the truth. Now… they may not always SEE it that way – which is my current situation with someone that I love very much.   Did I lie? Yes, I did. Am I proud of that? Of course not. Was it out of pure love for said friend and the emotional state they are in, in order to protect them? Absolutely.

Here’s the deal – I knew it was wrong – it slayed me to do it. I looked her in the eye and told her I wasn’t lying. As fate might have it, she inadvertently found out in a pretty ugly way… within an hour of me doing it. I even discussed it with my therapist that very day before it all went down. I told him it was not in my character – he’s known me for over 2 years now – so that wasn’t anything he didn’t already know, but I had to tell him all the details of what had recently happened and how I feared even out of the goodness of my heart, that my friend would perceive as otherwise. He agreed on all of it. That he knows I’m not a liar, that he knows it would be a struggle, that he also knew I was doing it to protect her – and lastly, as I had mentioned to him, that the truth WOULD come out because I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. We both agreed that the truth needed to come out at some point, but not right away in order to avoid chaos and confusion.

They say karma is a bitch…. Indeed she is. To me, anyway. Funny how the rottenest of people don’t ever seem to reap it, but people like me – one wrong move and the shit hits the fan.   I’ve always said “if you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember your story”.   It’s a phrase I live by.

After having been “found out” – I came clean IMMEDIATELY. I was so sad that my friend was questioning my loyalty to her…. I explained everything as it went down over and over. I swore to her that the truth was out and she could ask me a hundred times over, ten years from now and my story would be the exact same. It was the truth. As much as it hurt us both – I was relieved that it had come out, although sooner than I had anticipated.

Very few of you are personally aware of when I lost my mother many years ago. It is a pain that never, ever leaves you. My love for my mother continues to grow some 33 years after her passing – she is still with me as a guardian angel – I know this without a doubt. In those 33 years, I have never, EVER sworn on her soul for anything. As a matter of fact, it has never even popped into my head as an option until the night my friend found out I had lied. I looked her square in the eye and swore on the soul of my dead mother (on Mother’s Day weekend, no less” that I had told her absolutely everything. This is a dear friend of mine. Someone I love deeply and infinitely – it was raw, honest, and a true testament to how much I wanted her to believe me.

As of today, I have repeatedly been called a betrayer and a liar by a person I thought knew me so well. I can’t describe the hurt I feel as a result….. having sworn on the soul of my beloved mother. I feel almost dirty inside for having wasted such a personal plea to someone who cannot step outside of their own perceptions and accept that I truly love them and never meant them harm. As a person in recovery, I find it quite easy to own my shit. I have done all that I can, to the best of my ability to clean up my side of the street. Unfortunately, it falls on deaf ears – and for that, I have absolutely no control.

So, call it what you want – depending on my audience, I’m nothing more than a human, a friend, a liar. I’m sorry, Mama – so sorry for dragging you into this place. That being said – I know I told the truth, so it was not in vain.

Hug the ones you love – you never know when it will be the last time.

Signed ~

Pants on Fire