Dating – let’s face it… the whole idea of it is exasperating.  Add the idea to the reality of it, and it makes me sad that I can’t just call up Dr. Kevorkian to come end it for me, quickly and peacefully.

So “back-in-the-day”, our options were relatively limited:  1)  The bar (pick a bar, any bar)  2)  A friend intro (this is similar to a unicorn sighting)  3)  At church (I was usually hungover on Sunday so that wasn’t an option)  or 4)  At the Tom Thumb on Greenville Avenue and Lovers Lane because all the hotties from The Village shopped there (this was a Dallas thing).

Today, you can still choose from 1-3,  but our new IMMEDIATE GRATIFICATION lifestyle beckons for (even more) online dating apps.  It’s been many years since Match.com was unleashed.  It was followed by E-Harmony, Plenty of Fish, ZOOSK, Tinder, Bumble… you get my drift – an entire suite of dating sites.  I mean, holy hell!  FarmersOnly.com?  Even the cowboys are picky!  Don’t get me started on Ashley Madison…  although I’m sure whoever “she” is, she’s sitting on a beach somewhere right now, laughing her ass off.

It almost feels like some form of humiliation when you make the leap into the cyber-world of dating – but fear not, my friends!  Everyone is doing it – and most of them are doing it poorly, at best…..

I’ll admit it, okay? I’m doing the online dating thing myself.  Well, let’s call it online perusing – because there is NO dating coming out of the cess pool of protoplasm I have to choose from, just yet.  I was kind of addicted to the Yahtzee app on my phone for a while. Not anymore.   I can’t stop myself from opening up this app for pure entertainment purposes.  Now, I’m not even looking for dates so much – but I’m swiping left like a mad-woman, all the while laughing at the lack of intelligence, candor, and grammatical correctness that exists within my own 25 mile radius.  It’s sad y’all.  Real sad.

I think I will start with my top 10 “NO” list, and y’all can ask questions if there is something you feel that requires clarification:

1. No Shirtless Bathroom Selfies!  (I cannot stress this one enough)
2. No Profile Pic of your dog and not you (first pic is the first impression), or Homer Simpson, Beavis, etc.  Stupid, stupid, STUPID.
3. If you don’t have anything to say about yourself, I have nothing to say to you.
4. If you think that pic of you doing a keg-stand is appealing – it’s not.
5. Why in the hell do you have pics with you and other women who are clearly not your mom or sister?
6. Clearly, if you love your motorcycle more than life itself – rub some astroglide on the seat and go to town!
7. If your divorce isn’t final – my decision IS.  Figure out who the hell you are.  Go bang some chicks, break their hearts, tell all your friends, etc.  But don’t THINK you are ready for a relationship – BECAUSE YOU ARE SOOOO NOT.
8. Personally – I really don’t need to see pics of your abs.  This tells me you are looking to get laid ONLY and that’s all you care about.  And if it IS – go you!  But be honest about it.
9. Look…. don’t lie about your height.  If you are “not quite 6 feet”, but are actually the size of the Keebler Elf – just own your shit, man!  I’m not bagging on the God-given height of anyone here.  Me, personally – I want a man who stands taller than me when I am in heels.  My prerogative.
10. And last, but not least – for the love of God – can y’all PLEASE take a selfie that isn’t in your car????

For you married and long-term relationship folks…. those of us out here swimming in the dank, shallow, murky waters of the dating pool truly do applaud you and your situation.  Maybe your hubby farts too much, watches too many sports, steals the covers… or your wife leaves her shit all over the bathroom, couldn’t boil water if she had to, or simply is too damn tired to give you even a half-ass hand job…. y’all are living the life of Riley as far as we are concerned over  here!  I’ll take a cover-stealing fart job over a Hobbit with a Harley and a mommy-complex any day.  The grass is only greener, where the dogs are shitting (I will give this line kudos to my main man, Chris Cornell – from the Soundgarden masterpiece “Outshined”).

In closing… I’d like to share a profile description from one I saw earlier in the week:

“I’m divorced.  I own my own business.  Those are the good things.  I drink a lot but I’m really fun when I do.  I smoke but I am trying to quit.  I’m the fattest I’ve ever been and I’m emotionally void of feelings.” ~ Jason, 47

Hang on ladies!  George Costanza’s missing link is on Tinder!  Before you swipe left – at least consider this…. he may not be “all” you’re looking for – but by God, he’s owning it.  In all honesty, this description probably applies to about 75% of the men on there.  But if you’re looking for a dog and motorcycle, maybe you can look past all that “fluff”.

That’s all for now!

AshGenX